Seven Days

“I’m not really a sharer.”

If I had to pick a personal mantra, that would probably be it and most of the people in my life could attest to that. And I don’t mean it in the “sharing is caring” sense; I’m actually pretty good at that, especially for an only child. No, it’s more in reference to the thoughts going on in my head. I’m the kind of person who has to think before I speak or act. And I think a lot. And I have a hard time translating those thoughts into audible words that actually make sense. As a result, I get easily flustered when I’m expected to share my innermost thoughts and feelings, especially when I’m not prepared to do so. I can fire back a witty zinger very effectively but when it comes to something real, well, I need to think on that.

That’s where the blog comes in. It probably comes as a big surprise for someone who describes themselves as  “not a sharer” to have (and to actually use!) a blog. But I’ve always been a better communicator through writing. It gives me a way to organize my thoughts, feelings and reactions.

For the most part, the posts on this blog have been about the beautiful places that I’ve visited and the different, interesting or downright strange things that I’ve done in the last six months. There have probably only been two posts that really got personal: that would be Valentine’s Day (how stereotypical of me) and surgery (also stereotypical. But hey, sue me). Well this is going to be another one of those posts. And it’s probably going to be a long one. I’ll try to throw in pictures here and there but they may be ones that I’ve already shared. If you make it all the way through, you’ll be rewarded with a post full of pictures tomorrow. If not, you’ll still have the post full of pictures tomorrow. So, the warning is out there and the choice is yours. Either way come back to take a walk in the woods with me tomorrow!

Now on with the post.

About six months ago, I boarded a plane with a one way ticket. In about seven days, I’ll board a plane with another one way ticket.

If you jumped back to the post about my surgery, you may remember that I felt a little stuck. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything so I decided to bite the bullet and just take the leap. Well, okay, it all came to a front after the surgery but that wasn’t the first time that I felt that way. It had been quite some time that I felt that my life was at a standstill in Boston, feeling like I was just waiting for the next part of my life. Whatever that was going to be. So in August (or maybe it September, I don’t know) I bought my one way flight to Spain thinking that would be it, that would be the change, the next chapter. I would create a life here. I would get a job here that I enjoyed. (Back then I  would add “…even if it was just teaching” to that statement, but now I know that I don’t actually enjoy teaching. Guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t end up going to school for that like I had thought when I was first looking at colleges.) I would fill up my social calendar here. I would become a regular at coffee shop. Or a bar. Or both! (Heck, I could become a regular at a coffee shop and a bar and have it be at the same place!) I would enjoy my time so much that the one year that I originally planned on would stretch into another. And then maybe another.

That was the thought…but that’s not how it went.

The next part of my life actually started before I came to Spain. I just didn’t know it at the time.

It wasn’t until a few months in that that thought finally hit me. The next part of my life isn’t here in Madrid; it’s back in the states. (For the reason, see Valentine’s Day.) Spending more time here is just putting that on hold. Again. I’ve been there before, just waiting for it to start. Why would I keep doing that?

I know what you’re thinking: ‘because you’re living the life in Spain!’ I’ll admit, that is the sort of image that this blog has shown, highlighting the Christmas lights, the vacations, the Papa Noel run. And it’s true, all of those have been amazing experiences that I will always be grateful to have had. But it hasn’t always been sparkly lights and sunny days. I love Madrid and I will be recounting some of my favorite places here (so keep your eyes open!) but by the end I found myself to be kind of gloomy about it all. But, hey maybe it’s because the past five days have rained and it’s supposed to continue being rainy until Friday. (Seriously, whatever happened to “the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain”?)

Once I came to the conclusion that I didn’t really want to make a life here, I was kind of…sad. Or maybe bored is the better word, I don’t know. I just felt like I was wandering around trying to find ways to fill my days and the days became really hard to fill. As I mentioned before, I discovered that I didn’t really like teaching so I didn’t bother to fill my schedule with classes that I would dread. But if not that, then what? I jammed in as many vacations as I could but I’m no Rockefeller! When I found myself feeling that same sense of ennui (thank you Gilmore Girls!), that’s when I knew that this experiment, shall we say, was over. I’m spinning my wheels here and I’m tired of it. I also really, really miss working. Who would have thought? I miss waking up and going for morning coffee on my way to the office. I miss answering emails. I miss doing research. I miss color-coding things. Heck, I miss Excel spreadsheets! (I’m totally going to include this in my cover letters: I believe that I am a excellent fit for your company because I just admitted to the world that I actively miss Excel spreadsheets.) But really what it is is that I miss being productive, feeling that I’ve actually accomplished something with my day.

And so, on that note, I look ahead to one week from today. I will wake up bright and early at 5AM (or maybe I’ll just be Spanish and stay out until 5AM. On second thought, maybe not). I’ll board a plane eventually bound for Boston. After about two weeks, I’ll board another plane with another one-way ticket in hand.

A ticket to Oakland*. Hello west coast! And hopefully some sunshine, for real this time!

*Disclaimer for my Mom: this is like that time when I moved to Charlestown. I will be surrounded by yuppies again, don’t worry.